jokes page 1

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs
for her husband. 
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. Publish Post
"Careful. CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" 

The husband calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."

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"Do you drink?"
the girl's father inquired of his
prospective son-in-law." 
"First tell me,
whether it is a question 
or an invitation" asked son-in-law. 

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One day Bush was out jogging
and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.
Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and
dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said,
"Boys, you saved the President of the United States today.
You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Bush.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos,"
the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," 
said Bush. "And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it,"
said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son,
you're not handicapped!"
"No, but I will be when my father finds out
whom I saved from drowning."


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Call Center Tech Support:
"I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Call Center Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support:
"Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."

Tech Support:
"Ok. Right click again. 
Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer "No."

Tech Support:
"Ok, sir. Can you tell me
what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click'




and I wrote 'click'." 

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mathematician, an accountant and an economist
apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician
and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician
"Yes, four, exactly." 

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant
and asks the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant says "On average, four -
give or take ten percent, but on average, four." 

Then the interviewer calls in the economist
and poses the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door,
closes the shade,
sits down next to the interviewer and says
"What do you want it to equal?"

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It was the golden wedding anniversary
for the couple.
Everyone used to comment
"What a peaceful & loving couple !!" 

"We were visiting the Grand Canyon after our marriage
and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled.
My wife quietly said, "that's once".
We proceeded a little further
and the horse stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice'.

"We hadn't gone a half-mine
when the horse stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse
and shot the horse dead. 

" I started an angry protest
over her treatment of the horse.
While I was shouting,
she looked at me, and quietly said
" That's once'.

And we lived peacefully ever after." 

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Man in a bar sees a friend at a table,
drinking by himself. 

Approaching the friend he comments,
"You look terrible. What's the problem?" 

"My mother died in August,"
his friend replied,
"and left me £25,000.
Then in September my father died,
leaving me £90,000." 

"Losing both parents in two months.
No wonder you're depressed." 

"And last month my aunt died,
and left me £15,000."
His friend continued. 

"Three close family members
lost in three months? How sad." 

"Then this month,"
concluded, the friend,
"absolutely nothing." 

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A man placed some flowers
on the grave of his dearly parted mother
and started back toward his car
when his attention was diverted
to another man kneeling at a grave. 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity
and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die?
Why did you have to die?" 

The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?" 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied

"My wife's first husband." 

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished
but Amazingly neither of them are hurt. 

After they crawl out of their cars,
the woman says,
"So you're a man, that’s interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left
but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet
and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days." 

The man replied,
"I agree with you completely.
This must be a sign from God! 

The woman continued, "And look at this,
here's another miracle... this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man shakes his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. 

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man. 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies,

No, I think I'll just wait for the police..." 

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After hearing that
one of the patients in a mental hospital
had saved another from a suicide attempt
by pulling him out of a bathtub,
the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file
and called him into his office.

"your records and your heroic behavior
indicate that you're ready to go home.
doctor said,"I'm only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself,"
mad replied. "I hung him up to dry." 

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A cop stops a drunk man and asks:
Where you going?

drynk man:I'm going to listen
the lecture about the
harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.

cop:At night?
And who will give a lecture?

drunk man:
My wife and mother-in-law!


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Patient: Doctor, you must help me.
I'm under such a lot of stress.
I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!

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Mr Chang and Mr Wang
were watching the 11:00AM news.
The current news story was 
about a man up on a ledge
and threatening to jump to kill himself.
During the show there was an interval
for a commercial break.

Mr Chang : I bet you Rs. 200 
he's going to jump.

Mr Wang : OK. I accept the challenge!

The news is back after the break.
And the man jumps from the ledge.
Mr Wang : OK , here's my Rs 
200.

Mr Chang : No, the answer was too easy.
I can't take it.

Mr Wang : "I insist. I lost".

Mr Chang : "I have a confession to make.
I saw the same thing on the 6:00AM news
and knew he jumped.
So it wasn't really fair.
I won't take the money".

Mr Wang : That's OK! You know,
I saw the same newscast earlier.
But I didn't think
he would be stupid enough to jump twice!


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Soldier:
Sir, we are surrounded!

Major:
Excellent!
We can attack in any direction now!

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Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls.
These are the world's largest waterfalls
& the sound intensity
of the waterfall is so high,
sound of even 20 supersonic planes
passing can't b heard!
Now may I request the ladies
to keep quiet so that
we can hear the Niagra Falls!!!!


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Teacher:
Four beautiful girls are
walking on the road.
Change it to exclamatory sentence.

Student: WOW !

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Dentist:
I have to pull the aching tooth,
but don't worry
it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?

Dentist: It's Rs 1000.

Patient: One thousand???
for just a few minutes work???

Dentist:
I can extract it very slowly if you like!

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A young boy was
looking through the family album
and asked his mother,
"Who's this guy on the beach
with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man
who lives with us now?"

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A car was involved in an accident in a street.
As expected, a large crowd gathered. 

A newspaper reporter anxious
to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort,
he started shouting loudly,
"Let me through! Let me through!
I am the son of the victim." 

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey. 


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man feared his wife wasn't hearing
as well as she used to and
he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family Doctor
to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test
the husband could perform to 
give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 

Here's what you do," said the Doctor,
"stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone
see if she hears you. 
If not, go to 30 feet,
then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a 
response." 

That evening,
the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he was in the den. He says to himself,
"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see 
what happens." 
Then in a normal tone he asks,
'Honey, what's for dinner?" 

No response. 

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen,
about 30 feet from his 
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" 

Still no response. 

Next he moves into the dining room
where he is about 20 feet from his 

wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" 

Again he gets no response so, 

He walks up to the kitchen door,
about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's 
for dinner?" 

Again there is no response. 

So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" 
; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

; 

"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

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Teacher :What happened in 1869? 

Student:Gandhi ji was born. 

Teacher :What happened in 1873? 

Student:Gandhiji was four years old. 

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Teacher :Tomorrow,
there will be a lecture on Sun.
Everyone must attend it. 

Raju:
No ma'm!
I will not be able to attend it. 

Teacher :Why? 

Raju:My mother will not allow me
to go so far!!! 

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